But again, I am a work in progress.
Dieting and weight loss are not easy. At all. Everyone knows this, but what I certainly didn't guess before I started was that it is 10x more of a mental struggle than it will ever be a physical struggle. It completely distorts your way of thinking. Before December, I was kind-of obsessed. Basically, I just ate fruits and vegetables. I wanted to lose the weight and reach my goal, and I wanted to do it immediately. So I made myself miserable doing it. Inevitably, denying yourself of things like pizza and desserts is going to make you crack. And at times I would. And then, I would overeat. I wouldn't stop. Even if I wasn't hungry, I would keep eating all kinds of junk and would feel physically ill because of it. Then I felt so guilty that I would head to the gym and would not allow myself to leave until the machines said I had burned at least 1,000 calories, sometimes more. Everything about the mentality I developed was unhealthy.
Then, I went home for Christmas break and had a major binge-fest. I ate anything and everything I wanted to, and a lot of it. Obviously, I gained some weight back. About 13 pounds to be exact, as of right now. Which has triggered yet another series of emotional madness. I want to reach my final weight loss goal. So badly. But I am still struggling to find balance. This week, for example, I ate awesomely on Monday and Tuesday, if I do say so myself. Then, Wednesday night, there was a pizza party. I went and ate 3 pieces of pizza, chips, 3 cookies, 1.5 brownies, and 3 little buckeye bars. Thursday, I was ready to get back on track, then I got a wonderful care package in the mail and pretty much demolished all of the treats that it contained. Today, I had a wonderful day, was counting calories and doing good, went to dinner with my friends, ordered a meal off of the healthy section of the menu, feeling good....but as we sat there I kept eating rolls.....we were there for about an hour and a half and I really think I might have eaten 6 big rolls. And peanuts that were on the table.
Balance is something I am really struggling to find right now, and I would love and appreciate any prayer and support that you would be willing to give. I want to make it to my goal. I want to prove that I can. I do not want to come this far for nothing. I do not want this to be another failed attempt. I want to feel good about my body for once. I want to be considered a healthy weight.
But furthermore, I want to be free from this obsession with food. In the past few months I have either been obsessed with analyzing exactly how many calories are in a food or gobbling it up as quick as I could without caring. I still have no clue as to why I do this. I eat when I am stressed, when I am upset, when I am not hungry. I eat to rebel sometimes too. But my life should not be concerned with this. I try to reach out to God for help, but in the moment, there is no thinking, just gobbling.
So...I am making a new goal for myself, and chronicling it in this blog will make me stick to it, I know it. They say that 21 days is all it takes to form a habit. Well, my 21 days start tomorrow (Yes, I realize that the word 'tomorrow' is a curse word in dieting....but I know that you will hold me accountable :D ) Anyway, tomorrow starts a 21 day journey for me. For the next 21 days, I WILL stick to my daily calorie goal. No cheating, no exceptions. To prove to myself that I can. I am not going to make any foods off limits, I am just going to account for them in my calorie journal. This is how I began my weight loss journey. And I want to regain this intense motivation and dedication. Every time I feel hungry for something outside of these goals, I will find strength in prayer. I will be making daily entries and updates, because knowing that someone out there somewhere might be reading this will definitely hold me accountable. Please, feel free to join me!!! It is my hope that by going on this journey, I will be reminded of the fact that with God on my side, I can win any battle. And at the end of 21 days, I know I will have renewed faith and will be fired up to keep up these habits!! Thank you for reading. Just by reading this, you are supporting me, and I can't tell you how much that means :D